In the situation I am, am trying to find answers from the past experience. But am not able to.

There was a guy with me in school. He’s my best friend. Or so was what I thought. First time he broke my trust in 8th, and we had a fight, a bitter one. But, slowly, as the time passed, I forgave him a year later. In another year, he broke my trust again. And I was disappointed, not due to him, but on myself, thinking how I can trust someone who has broken my trust once. We had another fight, and this time, there was nothing that could have connected us back. In the meantime, there were several attempts from this guy to be back in friendship with me, but I never allowed myself to repeat my mistake.

On our farewell from school, this guy sat next to me. There was no other place to sit, so I didn’t change my spot and kept on sitting there itself. Plays were been watched, and we were laughing watching our juniors perform. There was a play few minutes later, it was about friendship, which made all of us feel the great deal of things we will be losing once we will leave the school. He was getting uncomfortable in my presence, lowered his face, and asked me to put everything behind us and forgive him. I was furious, but at the same time I knew that this was the last time we all are together, and maybe we will never meet again. This feeling was already making me feel lonely, and there was this friend of mine, asking me to forgive him. I took a moment, and then we talked. It was the first conversation we had in almost two years. It was touching, and both of us forget everything that happened between us in the past.

The reason for this story getting played in my mind is quiet weird. I wanted to forget that I ever had a fight with one of my closest friend. But there is a reason that reminds me of it. And it is quiet strong. After feeling betrayed by my friend, I was not able to trust others easily. And for me, everyone was under suspicion, off course except my best pal, Pushpendra. And it took a hell of a time for me to realize, that for a mistake someone has done, I can’t punish others. I opened up for other again, and started trusting people.

Till date, there has been many instances when I have figured out that the person I have put my trust in wasn’t worth it. Every time such a thing happened, I just wanted to meet new people, not to leave the old one, but wanted to spend more time with people I don’t know much. It felt better that way. And many a time this thing has cheered me up, and raised me from the depressing situations I have been in. In this experiment of meeting new people, I have made some great friends, friends I will never forget, even if they will forget me, and have also forgotten a lot of friends who never deserved to be on the list anyways.

I am back to this situation again. A close friend, broke my trust. Well, it’s more than one this time, but that one is whom mattered the most to me. We had a conversation, a weird one. It was full of questions. And in reply of questions, more questions were asked. Answers seemed to be absent in the whole conversation. But, we needed it to be over. And hence, I mailed him. That mail was written by ME, in exact sense, without pretending that I’m not angry, or it’s ok things like that keep on happening all the time. I was on the point, I always am, and that’s why most of the people who hates me hate me. And I waited for the response.

Today morning, I read the reply. After 5 days of sending my mail, I had a reply. And I didn’t want to read it. Then I asked myself, will it help? And being faithful to myself, I gave it a shot. I read it, all of it, and after doing so, I have travelled back in the time where I didn’t want to go. It’s full of explanations. But are explanations what I was looking for?

I know I may sound odd here. But explanation was something I wasn’t expecting. You have done something, that hurt me, and I don’t need an explanation of why you did it. I just want to know, why you did it behind my back. If you would have done the same thing in front of me, I would have appreciated your guts and would have proud of you as my friend. But question is not about being proud of you, or of hating you. The question my dear friend is, Can I still trust you? Should I give it another shot and give you another chance to be brave again and next time when you do something of that sort, you do it in front of me? I have no answer to this. Probably, all I need is some time. Or probably, I will take a lifetime in deciding what I should do with this things between us. But trust me on this, as soon as I will know, I will tell you.


About Manish Jain

I'm a wanderer in search of solace which has long eluded me.
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