College is Over.
That is one thing I keep reminding myself. Its not that I miss my college a lot, it’s just that things are different now, and I am supposed to be different too. Though that last part is difficult for a person like me, but I don’t think I have much of an option here…..
In college I was known for my rawness. I was always raw, raw with everything. No covers, no wrappers, just pure me with true feelings and true thoughts. When I felt something, I’ll tell you exactly how I felt about it. When I had something on my mind, I’ll say it as it was in my head. But, that’s over.
Now I am part of an organization, a professional, and I am supposed to behave differently. I am no more supposed to Shout when I feel like shouting on someone. I am not supposed to tell someone that I am freaking sick of their politics and don’t want to have them around me. I am not supposed to knock someone off their feet..
I am supposed to smile. Yes, it is like that. You don’t smile, and you’re a snob. I never cared about it while I was in college, but now, I have to. And what a bunch of people I have around me, all faking it so beautifully. They will hate you in your absence, but in your presence, you are the one who knows how to do things.
They will praise you, smile with you, appreciate the way you handle things, but that all will be done only in your presence. Once you leave, your goodness will fade too. And you are a pathetic person. A guy who don’t know how to handle things, a guy who don’t know how to live, who is a mess.
What I don’t understand is, how can they do it so perfectly? I mean, they will really make you feel, maybe just for a while, but they will make you feel like they are truly with you, they truly support you and agree with what you do because that is right. They will smile, and make you feel they are happy to have you around them, whereas within them, they just want you to leave.
And what a person like me is supposed to do with them? Fake a smile in return to their smile? Well, yeah, that has to be done, you don’t want to be known as a Snob, remember? You have to sit with them, and laugh on their stupid jokes. No, don’t even think about telling them that you don’t like their shitty jokes, how can you say so, when everyone there is laughing really (fakingly) hard on that joke.
You can’t tell them that you know what they said behind your back or that you understand the whole politics that they are playing around you. No, you are not. And what about friendship? Oh, does that thing really exist in office? Well, maybe, it does. But looking closer, I don’t think that except my team, I am making anyone my friend right now. Its all so messy. And to add that, there are guys who will lick toes of girls that they want to impress….
And if that is not enough, then there is this condition of staying around all the time. Like it or hate it, you have to be there. Even after having lunch at 2, you are supposed to join them for snacks and coffee at 4, since if you don’t, then you are not a nice guy, you don’t know what friendship is all about. So be there, or you are the one who will be left out.
They rant about someone in front of you, say they hate that person and this and that, and when that person comes, they will talk to them in a way that even their best friend will feel like running to save his bestiness with them. They fake it, and the other person knows that it is being faked, but still, smiles all around, every one is trying to make others feel, I know you hate me, but if you can fake a smile that beautiful, well, I am a bigger fake.
Even though you don’t want them to come with you to some event, you have to invite them, and then, they will politely make some excuse. A win-win situation, isn’t it?
I know I have to do it all too, I also have to learn this Art of Faking it, but I just can’t, cause it seems all wrong to me. I don’t see a reason to pass a smile to someone who is the reason I am angry, or pissed. I don’t see a reason in inviting someone, somewhere, when I basically don’t want them to come with me.
I don’t see a reason in faking the relationship, it feels like insulting the relation itself. And maybe that’s why I am hated/disliked, and now, I have to care about it. The rawness is gone, and maybe it will never be back again, and it hurts me like hell to fake everything around me, but I don’t have an option. And I keep telling myself the same thing.
College is OVER!