Just a feeling…

It’s still the same office, same project, and same colleagues (except a few who have recently joined, and the ones who have left), the same place, the same friends, same me, still everything suddenly feels different…

Normally I enjoy the chaos, relish it, cause it is always for good. But this time, I am disturbed by it, and yet, I am not. I was expecting this. Since when? I don’t know. Why? I don’t know that either. But somewhere, deep inside, I knew this moment will come, and yet, I was not prepared for it.

Now that I’m here, everything seems meaningless, and all I want to do is end this process, and move on. I’ve thought about it a lot already and there seems to be no way to do it. Maybe if I’ll know where the problem lies, then I can look for the solution. But I don’t know where the problem is. All I know is that there is something that is bothering me.

After thinking a lot about it, I’ve narrowed down the possibilities to a few of the things that might be the reason behind all this. Right now, I’m working on them, to fix them, to feel better. It isn’t exactly working. But I am trying, as that is all I can do at this stage.

Maybe I got carried away. Maybe I let other get under my skin. Maybe I started thinking like them, and this is why I am where I am. Or maybe, everything is just fine, and it’s just a phase, one of many, and it will pass, just like the ones before it has passed. And everything will be normal.

I’m trying to change things, to change circumstances, to change the way I feel. I might not succeed, but I will not give up. I will fight, till I will be free of this sickened feeling, or till this feeling will sink me down, to the very bottom of my existence…

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About Manish Jain

I'm a wanderer in search of solace which has long eluded me.
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